six days

since i've written. no good! i'm sorry.

lol

okay. about that 'test'. IT WAS POSTPONED!!! i almost cried. i wanted to run around the auditorium and scream and cry from joy. the only downside is that test is now tomorrow, and i am no more prepared than i was last time. in short, i did not learn my lesson. i don't know why or how i got in this habit of not doing my homework. i think its because tv has been so good lately. i have a show or two to watch every night. its a good season for tv i guess. that means, bad season for homework.

what has happened since i last wrote? i have been semi-neglecting the gym lately, eating reallllly badly and pretty much sabotaging myself in every way possible. i didn't go to the gym at all this past weekend. then i went monday. tuesday it snowed and i didn't wanna go out. then today when i went there were literally... LITERALLY 1,000 people in that fucking gym. i couldn't deal. but i'm trying to get back on track. really, i am. i want to go to the HU/HU Cabaret and look nice in a dress. eating ice cream and oreos isn't going to help with that goal at all. i think i just need a slap in the face.

in other news, my hair is growing. it 'flops' now.. it doesn't 'shake' persé, but it does flop. thats exciting.

weird little story. cgt texted me saturday morning. it was short, awkward, and weird. i don't know why it happened or why he decided to text me. we haven't seen each other since i've been back and he seems like a distant memory to me.
hmm.

i feel kind of weird. its a mixture of a few different emotions:
sadness.
melancholy.
irritation.
loneliness.

yeah those are all of them. and that combined is my current state. i feel very bad. i think it has a lot to do with 1, me sabotaging myself, 2, officially not talking to any one, and thirdly, coming to some realizations. i hate coming to realizations. but in this case, it was more of a "eureka!" moment. i had been trying to figure out why one person in particular was always making me feel REALLY annoyed. i really don't want to go into detail... but basically there were some elements in our relationship that mirrored the problems i have in all of my relationships. the whole not listening thing. it comes in so many forms, so all i did was realize the form that this particular friend was exhibiting. make sense? i really am not sure. anyways.

remember back in the summer when i started going to therapy... the whole reason was because i always felt like no one listened to me. maybe its more than people not listening to me, maybe its me not speaking up. i always feel like i'm talking to the air. maybe i'm just really boring and people don't WANT to listen to me. i had this problem in SOOO MANY RELATIONSHIPS. friendships, when i talk to my mom, boyfriends. i have NEVER felt like anyone wanted to just sit down with their ears open and listen to me. NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR. i don't know if its something within myself that i have to work on or its really the people that i'm talking to. i don't know. no one inquires about me, no one wants to know my inner thoughts, no one wants to know how i'm feeling, no one wants to know my emotions, my goals, anything about me. thats why i write so much. because if i keep all these thoughts in my head, i would probably lose my mind.

and what bothers me the most is the fact that i am SOOOOOOOOO willing to listen to other people talk. at this point in my life, i'm tired of listening. i want to live like everyone else and not listen. since it happens to me SO much, i just want to go through one day and ignore what everyone says to me. just nod my head and think completely different thoughts. i want to hear ALL of what the other party says and have NOTHING to say back, no advice. i don't want to care. i just want to go through my day completely self absorbed and not give two shits what other people think or feel. thats how i'm treated every single day. why the hell can't i be like that??

peace