Youtube STAR!!

yeeeah right..



enjoy:)

six days

since i've written. no good! i'm sorry.

lol

okay. about that 'test'. IT WAS POSTPONED!!! i almost cried. i wanted to run around the auditorium and scream and cry from joy. the only downside is that test is now tomorrow, and i am no more prepared than i was last time. in short, i did not learn my lesson. i don't know why or how i got in this habit of not doing my homework. i think its because tv has been so good lately. i have a show or two to watch every night. its a good season for tv i guess. that means, bad season for homework.

what has happened since i last wrote? i have been semi-neglecting the gym lately, eating reallllly badly and pretty much sabotaging myself in every way possible. i didn't go to the gym at all this past weekend. then i went monday. tuesday it snowed and i didn't wanna go out. then today when i went there were literally... LITERALLY 1,000 people in that fucking gym. i couldn't deal. but i'm trying to get back on track. really, i am. i want to go to the HU/HU Cabaret and look nice in a dress. eating ice cream and oreos isn't going to help with that goal at all. i think i just need a slap in the face.

in other news, my hair is growing. it 'flops' now.. it doesn't 'shake' persé, but it does flop. thats exciting.

weird little story. cgt texted me saturday morning. it was short, awkward, and weird. i don't know why it happened or why he decided to text me. we haven't seen each other since i've been back and he seems like a distant memory to me.
hmm.

i feel kind of weird. its a mixture of a few different emotions:
sadness.
melancholy.
irritation.
loneliness.

yeah those are all of them. and that combined is my current state. i feel very bad. i think it has a lot to do with 1, me sabotaging myself, 2, officially not talking to any one, and thirdly, coming to some realizations. i hate coming to realizations. but in this case, it was more of a "eureka!" moment. i had been trying to figure out why one person in particular was always making me feel REALLY annoyed. i really don't want to go into detail... but basically there were some elements in our relationship that mirrored the problems i have in all of my relationships. the whole not listening thing. it comes in so many forms, so all i did was realize the form that this particular friend was exhibiting. make sense? i really am not sure. anyways.

remember back in the summer when i started going to therapy... the whole reason was because i always felt like no one listened to me. maybe its more than people not listening to me, maybe its me not speaking up. i always feel like i'm talking to the air. maybe i'm just really boring and people don't WANT to listen to me. i had this problem in SOOO MANY RELATIONSHIPS. friendships, when i talk to my mom, boyfriends. i have NEVER felt like anyone wanted to just sit down with their ears open and listen to me. NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR. i don't know if its something within myself that i have to work on or its really the people that i'm talking to. i don't know. no one inquires about me, no one wants to know my inner thoughts, no one wants to know how i'm feeling, no one wants to know my emotions, my goals, anything about me. thats why i write so much. because if i keep all these thoughts in my head, i would probably lose my mind.

and what bothers me the most is the fact that i am SOOOOOOOOO willing to listen to other people talk. at this point in my life, i'm tired of listening. i want to live like everyone else and not listen. since it happens to me SO much, i just want to go through one day and ignore what everyone says to me. just nod my head and think completely different thoughts. i want to hear ALL of what the other party says and have NOTHING to say back, no advice. i don't want to care. i just want to go through my day completely self absorbed and not give two shits what other people think or feel. thats how i'm treated every single day. why the hell can't i be like that??

peace

when the lights go out in the city...

i couldn't think of a title, but i'm listening to journey, and that was a lyric. fyi. i woke up to study for this test i'm taking today and look what i'm doing instead. yeahh. things have been good. the weekend was crazy with inauguration and everything. if i could re-do inauguration, i would have slept until a normal hour, woken up, watched it on TV and done my homework. rather, i woke up at 4am, went to inauguration, left early cause it was too fucking cold, went back home and fell asleep because i was soo exhausted. not a good day at all.

in other news. i've been doing my thang, going to the gym, i haven't really been doing my homework, so i need to do that. thats why i'm awake early today!

i reeeeeally need to do my laundry! i am pulling outfits out of my ass! i haven't done laundry since i've been back at school. wow, thats only like, 2 weeks. thats normal i think... you know what, its just so difficult to do laundry here. first of all, you have to do it when no one else is doing it (like, mid day), you have to have a 5, 10 or 20+ dollar bill. i never have cash, so i have to go to some kind of ATM. its a hassle! i'll do it tomorrow.

i need a job! but my schedule is so weird and i'm done with class late as it is. i'd be going allll day. it would be really difficult.

alright, this has been the most all-over-the-place entry ever.

peace<3

lately...

everything has been great. class is fine, the gym is fine. this super long weekend has been nice (although i've yet to do my homework)... anyway... i went to see notorious on friday, it was AMAZING in a word. it was one of the best movies i've seen in quite a while (aside from Slumdog Millionaire). i loveeee biggie, so it was great to see his life in movie form. saturday, i went to the gym in the morning (never want to do that again, too crowded), and then i went to hooters with two of my homegirls from freshman year. after that, we went to our other friends to drink and hang out but it was kinda boring so i went home kind of early. it was pretty cool though, i had fun. then sunday, i went on an adventure to find alcohol which included driving to maryland. lol. we ended up just getting random mad dogs and wine. lol. it was fun though. i got home around 2am and went to sleep. i slept allll day today... then i went to the gym later on. i was supposed to hang out with some of the guys from the gym, but they haven't called yet and i'm about to go to sleep because i have to wake up at 4 am. i am dragging myself to the inauguration even though i reeeeally don't like big crowds and i really do not wanna wake up that fucking early!! its already 12:30 am and i have to get up in 3.5 hours. oy!! well i gotta go to sleep!

peace<3

Update!

firstly, an update on my life. nothing has really been going on. i've been busting my ass in the gym, going to class, sleep, eat, and put it on repeat. since i've been back at school, i've lost almost 2 lbs i think... i can't tell with those scales.. you know, the ones that doctors use? yeah. i need a real scale! lol. then class... its good, six classes, three everyday. but i have 4-6 hour breaks in the middle of them. thats usually when i go to the gym, come back, shower, watch maury, and get ready for class. its nice to have a little respite in the middle of the day to relax.
i've kind of taken another vow to not mess with or talk to any guys but something kind of exciting did happen. there is this guy in my french class that is clearly fluent in french. when he talks, the entire class is just silent and we all just stare in awe of his beautiful french. lol. so i told dani (shout out to my girl dani b!) that i would get his number so that he could help us study or something. so, after class on thursday i got his number and i told him i'd call him later to give him mine. so after my last class i texted him something along the lines of 'hey, this is lauren from class' after that.. this is how it went.
him: Lauren
me: yepp
him: it seems like you're the best in the class (ahhh!! i dieddd!) what's your major?
me: wow, thank you! my major is speech pathology. and yours?
him: applied math and computer science. (dayum!)
me: wow so you can help me in math too?
yeah blah blah, nothing too exciting (math talk) but yeah. maybe he could just be my math/french-friend. lol.
::in other news::
i've not really been missing home which is good. i thought i'd be miserable coming back, but i feel pretty good. i just kind of do my thing. i cut off someone that needed to be cut off, i've been managing my money better, i am managing partying and going to class. i haven't missed any class and i don't plan to until friday feb 6th because i'm probably going to go home for my brother's birthday. i told him i couldn't come. but i plan to. hehe. i'm not gonna tell anyone. i'm just gonna show up at home :) it should be really funny and shocking! i love surprises!! well, good surprises, that is. anyway. i could never fully surprise my family because i don't have a key, so i would have to ask my brother to let me in. but we got a new keypad outside that allows us to open the garage door (that was broken). i'm so super duper excited. well i'm gonna go to the gym now.
peace<3

aujourd'hui

this is a brief update of what has been going on in my life lately. friday i was a bit upset, so i didn't really feel like doing much... but i went to the Diner and ate a delicious sandwich. lol. saturday was crazyyy. i went to the gym in the morning but later on, all hell broke loose. i went to my friends' house and it was soo triflin. i drank sooo much. i wish i could tell you. i just took shot after shot after shot. next thing you know...fuckkeeedddd up. anyway, i managed to get back to my room, thank god. haha. so sunday, i didn't go the gym due to my hangover. i pretty much stayed in my room and didn't do anything. i knitted with my amiga and watched Clueless, but it was a chill day. today was chill too. just went to my two classes and went to the gym, nothing big. but i have a question...

okay, heres the situation. i'm walking down the street in my 'workout clothes' aka, spandex pants. so these dudes in a garbage truck come by, honk their horn at me and the one in the passenger's seat waves at me. what the HELL do they think is going to come of that?? do they think i am going to respond and chase down the truck, so that i can give them my number? i'm so confused by that. or maybe they're just trying to let me know that 'dayumm i look goooood' i really don't know. maybe one of my gorgeous followers can tell me???
lol
peace<3

-FIN-

lauren is finished.

i am tired. tired of what? lauren is tired of not being appreciated, not feeling special, arguing, bickering, and dealing with BULLSHIT people. i am so tired of listening to people saying that they're going to change in 09, but there really is something i need to change. i WILL NOT deal with people who are not worthy of my presence. whether it be friendship, a relationship, whatever. if you do not add something positive to my life, consider yourself cut-off. i believe the saying goes, 'you're in control of your own destiny' or something like that. anyway, i truly believe that, with the addition of God of course. he is actually in control of my destiny, but yeah, you get what i'm trying to say.

so what am i really saying? who am i really talking about? i'm sure the faithful readers figured it out already. CGT, i'm sick of thinking about him, talking to him, seeing him, dealing with his bitchy little attitude. i doubt i even told you ALL the bullshit i've gone through with this 'man'. this was our convo today:
CGT: hey
me: hello
CGT: why haven't i seen you?
me: idk, you tell me
CGT: you tell me...
me: i do not know. it's up to you if you want to see me
CGT: ok...it's a two way street..but its fine!
me: generally when we see eachother its at ur house, i'm not going to invite myself over. unless we go somewhere for a change
CGT: i thought we were going to the movies on the 16th
me: yeah we can, but thats a week away
CGT: no, you have a little attitude
me: i do?
CGT: i don't have time for that
me: alright..
CGT: ok
me: you don't want to talk to me anymore?
CGT: i didn't say that.. i don't talk to attitudes.. i don't do that anymore
lol, okay.

idk readers, i really didn't think i had an attitude. wait, i did have an attitude, but i didn't think he'd be able to see it in a text message! lmfao. okay, mind you, the whole time he texted me and shit, i was LAUGHING. oh i didn't even tell you guys that i saw him in starbucks with another girl. friend or not, i was SO over him in that one moment. why? because he NEVERRRRRR takes me ANYWHEREEEE. and he can take that bitch somewhere? okay. cool.

so, no, i'm not upset. not in the least. CGT qualifies as a bullshit person, and you all know what i JUST said about whats happening to bullshit people in the year 2009. there is no going back. he doesn't get another chance. he got one back in like, november when i dropped his ass and he came CRAWLING back to me. when he gets over this little bitch-fit, i'm sure he'll come crawling back again. unfortunately for him, he already used that second chance. my view of guys when i first meet them is that they are already a piece of shit and i wait for them to mess up. he did that already. but i believe in second chances. so once they mess up that one, we're THROUGH.

i'm not angry, just doneee.