fleeting

happiness.

what a dumb fucking word. i feel like there are people who are happy... and i am really jealous of them. in my life, there are moments that i'm happy, but i definitely would not call myself a happy person. i am an unhappy person. things might look up for me for a moment, or things might seem okay for a while, but i would NEVER refer to myself as a happy person. i decided to get a weave. not my first time getting one or even this kind of weave, but it did not turn out the way i wanted it. i also got my period right before she started so either way it was bound to be a losing situation. i don't know if it looks bad or if its just me and my menstrual-ness, but i don't like my hair right now. if i don't like my hair, i am an UNHAPPY person. you can't be cute and have your hair looking fucked up. your fucked up hair overrides your cuteness. not that my hair looks THAT bad... but its just not what i wanted. if i things don't go exactly how i want them, i am VERY unhappy. when it comes to my makeup, my nails, and my hair .. it MUST be perfect. there is no way around it. i like my shit a certain way and if its not that way, i get VERRRRRY upset. when i got my hair done before homecoming senior year, i cried because it didn't look the way i wanted it to. thats exactly what i did tonight. UGHHH.

i was actually in a really good mood most of the day so when my boss asked me to work on friday, i said yes. now that i think about that choice, i'm like, FUCK! why did i say yes?! i don't want to work a friday!!! especially with my hair like this! i look so stupid right now and i just want to hang myself. i should have just kept my hair the way it was or tried to get in touch with the girl who used to do my hair all the time. she always did it perfectly. (but she charges). anyway, i just hate myself right now. i'm sick of always being so unhappy and hating things about myself. i want to just wake up, look at myself and be satisfied. i already can't do that and on top of the insecurities i already have, now i have to worry about my FUCKING hair. i am so not in the mood for this shit right now. i'm sure at a different time of the month, i would be a lot less upset, but right now i'm not happy at all. i'm too much of a perfectionist for this shit. i'm so fucking mad right now. i'm not even mad at christine for doing my hair like this, i'm actually mad at myself for letting her even do it... i hate the feeling of regret and unfortunately i'm feeling that emotion pretty strongly right now. i'm so upset with myself. FUCK. after seeing it all done at home, i didn't even feel like going over my friends house like i had planned, i just decided to sit here and sulk. dammit, i wish i could smoke a cigarette right now. i might ask my brother for one because i'm so fucking stressed out. thats really what i want to do right now, go smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.