facebook note : )

i wrote a lot on my birthday and i think the best thing i wrote was in a facebook note. i think it might be one of my favorite things that i've written in a long time. i thought i'd put it on my blog : )


Today is my birthday. Usually I'm happy on my birthday, but this year I'm really not. I've actually been super-emotional. Since I can't sleep, I decided to read my journal entry from my birthday last year. If you ask me about my past birthdays I'll probably tell you that I had allll crappy birthdays, but thats not entirely true. Last year I had a great day. I got to see my friends, be with my family, it was really nice. I said something in my journal that sounded so optimistic it was almost sickening, "I have so much to look back on, and so much to look forward to." And yeah, at that point in my life, I did have a lot to look forward to... summer, freshman year, freedom. Life really didn't suck for me at that point. I felt really bad about my current mood because I really wanted to be that happy again... to feel that same optimism. So I really am trying to look to the positive things that could happen to me. Hell, God was good enough to grant me another year on this earth. If nothing else, I could feel happy about that right? What am I looking forward to now? I'm looking forward to seeing my friends for a whole three months, I'm looking forward to losing the weight I put on during freshman year (thanks mcdonalds and hochi), I'm looking forward to God putting a good person who loves me in my life, and most importantly, I'm looking forward to becoming a more mature, beautiful and intelligent woman. That is another thing I realized while looking back at my journal, I have matured SO much. I left Long Island for the first time as a naive, immature, girl. Howard turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". Even though certain people tried to hold me back with their negativity this year, I stayed strong and accomplished great things. I thank the people in my life that empowered me for being there. I also thank the people that tried to bring me down with their negativity because guess what! You FAILED. I'm stronger than ever. I'm unaffected by all your garbage. So I'm going to try my best to feel happy on this birthday of mine. If you have wished me a happy one, thanks a bunch...I appreciate it.

i'm in LOVEEEEE

i fell in love this morning guys. forreal. i don't know how, but i came across this guy's youtube videos. oh. my. god. he sings and plays acoustic guitar and covers all kinds of songs. ohhhh my god. he is so good. and of all places, he's from DC!! i can't even tell you how talented (and cute) he is! i even felt compelled to write him a message which i never do. i tried not to sound too much like i was on his jock, but omg he was great!!! i literally fell in love as he played the songs. he is amazing. so brad doggett. i am in love with you <33333333333

to the readers

i guess this is the only way to go about this. i am just apologizing to everyone that i may have hurt through this blog. honestly i didn't think that people who were reading it... were. the purpose of my writing is not to hurt ANYONE. what i won't apologize for is displaying my feelings candidly. i write to get stuff off my chest and in doing that, i am in no way trying to hurt anyone. i can't un-read what people read or un-hurt peoples feelings but i am truly sorry.

my senior year of high school

What school year was it?
06-07

Who was your best friend?
Franci Ramos<33

What sports did you play?
bowling hahaha

What kind of car did you drive?
i drove a station wagon and then a Jetta

Friday night where were you?
starbucks or working

Where you a party animal?
i turned into one. lol.

Where you in the "in crowd"?
ew no

Ever skip school?
hell yeah lol

Ever smoke?
yes

Were you a nerd?
def. not

Did you get suspended or expelled?
nope

Can you sing Alma Mater?
hahahaha no

Who was your favorite teacher?
i gotta go with B-Dog

Favorite class?
i liked English and public speaking

What was your school's full name?
Harborfields High School

School mascot?
the Tornado lmao

Did you go to prom?
yes

If you could go back and do it over, would you?
HELLLL NAWWWWW

What do you remember most about graduation?
getting out of there as fast as i could

Favorite memory of senior year?
after prom was fun

Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
huh?

Did you have a job your senior year?
absolutely

Who did you date?
most people

Where did you go most often for lunch?
subway

Have you gained weight since then?
haha yesss

What did you do after graduation?
HU...U KNOW!!!


oh thank GOD high school is over. i hated it soo much.

help!

this is bad. okay the other day i was talking to uhh *Mark*(the guy that i had dated and wants me back.. haha) and he said something that i didn't really know how to react to... he had gone on this date (as a favor for his cousin). this was the txt convo:

Me: (yes i texted him 1st) how was ur date the other day
Mark: it was alright
Me: it would've been better if it were with me (cute right?)
Mark: not really (ouch)
Me: well damn
Mark: u told me u werent interested in dating me
Me: hmm, i guess. if i were to date u it would take a while for me to feel comfortable...if u feel like its a waste of time tell me now so i dont bother u (at this point i was like.. u should be wooing me..dammit!)
Mark: i'm not tryin to be mean but u said that i would be wasting my time if i was trying to get with u

end of convo

then later he IMed me... the first thing he says is "why are u mad at me"... please tell me when i sounded like i was mad. i wasn't mad. i was a little disappointed. but not mad. i felt like he had given up... and even if i'm not interested in a guy.. i still want him to be interested in me (ain't that terrible)

besides all that drama... i talked to my cousin and she (in about 10 minutes) convinced me that i needed to move on from him...that his baggage wasn't worth it and i agree with that. but he is doing a lot right. this is confusingggg! remember how i said i was nervous about the "hey babe" thing... its partially because that draws me in! i LIKE that shit! ahh! and he says it.. a lot. another line was crossed. i thought about him before i fell asleep last night. that is the biggest proof that i like someone. i am scared! maybe i should just lighten up and go with the flow. and he can be so cute. i really doubt that i'm even making sense.

ok so last night. i went online and i saw that he was online... and in my head i was like ok, he has 4 minutes to IM me (childish i know) and u know what.. HE DID. i asked him what he wanted to do when i got back from MV... and he said whatever u want to do...and i said well idk what i wanna do, thats why i asked u.. and he goes (this is the cute part) well i dont care, i just want to see u. JESUSSSS CHIRSTTT. i don't know.

should i just make a pro/con list and decide... should i just talk to him and get to know each other better...then decide... should i just use the opportunity to have a summer fling (lord knows i love a summer fling)... please tell me what to do readers!

this is what i do when im bored

i hate the word vacay

well i know my faithful readers have missed me. lmao. i don't have faithful readers!! anyway. i'm going on vacation in a few hours (to martha's vineyard...thats near massachusetts ok?) sooo i guess the reason i haven't written is because nothing has really happened. the ex that i started talking to again is on the 'hey babe' status.. ahh! i don't like that! i haven't had attention like this for a long time... mostly because i shunned it. i don't know... the last relationship made it very difficult to trust guys. its so funny because all guys... ALL guys always say this very line "i'm different" and i can't believe that every time i believe that shit! i actually believe them. of course i don't, at first... but eventually i give in and date them... then they lie, cheat, or steal, and then we break up. yeah. thats how every relationship has gone for me. anyway. i am very very very weary of starting a new relationship because i am sick of getting hurt. i mean, if every relationship ends with me getting hurt... why would i want to start up a new one right?

okay..i was watching that show Intervention...and it was on an alcoholic.
Question: is it bad that watching her binge drink.. kinda made me crave some beer? leave a comment with an answer
i am really into watching stuff about prison, drugs, serial killers, rapists... i REALLY enjoy it. the crime and investigation channel is my new obsession. there has GOT to be something wrong with that. maybe i should talk to my therapist about that. no lie, there is a serious rush that comes over my body when i see that law and order svu is on or when there is a new true life about addiction or disease. i'm definitely a sick lady.

maybe i'll go on vacation and meet some great guy and fall in love in two weeks and it'll be just like Grease! how sad...i have to compare my life with musicals. *sigh*