suicidal thanks mom and dad

a few minutes ago i had a very horrifying, sobering, saddening, depressing, shitty ass conversation with my mother. here is some background info:

welll, my first semester was a big joke. i did really poorly, never went to class, and partied a lot. but after a conversation with my parents, i really did a 180 (or so i thought). this semester i worked on procrastinating, only missed class when i really didn't feel well, and even went to the library which i hate so much. but now its the end of the semester and i'm definitely worried. i am not and never have been a good test taker. i freeze up, i get nervous, and i forget EVERYTHING i studied. so obviously that effects my grades. on top of that, the classes i took this semester were a lot tougher than last semester. to make this shitty story short, i am terrified of what my grades will be..heres what they might look like:

Orientation: A
English: A (most likely)
Intro. To Contemporary Africa: C (if i'm lucky a B)
Phonetics: C (if i'm lucky)
French: NO FREAKING CLUE

so my parents informed me that if i have a D in a class or more than one C, i won't be returning to howard next fall. the thought of leaving howard is sad because i do love it here, but i have also thought that maybe i'm wasting my time here because i'm not doing what i love which is american sign language. but the thing i hate to even think about is going HOME!! i don't want to live at my house with my parent's stupid rules and little to no freedom. i HATE HATE HATE that. i also don't want to think about starting all over again at some other school as a transfer student. i am really trying to think of the positive, but there aren't too many.

i would be happier in my school environment if i was doing sign language but there aren't even that many schools that offer sign language as a major...and i might even end up at Suffolk or Nassau ..gulp.. community college. honestly, the worst part is letting my parents and myself down. and even worse than that is fucking embarrassment! its embarrassing to come back home from school because you weren't getting good grades. people find out about that shit. its not like i'm stupid or that this school is too tough, i really think its just making an adjustment. quite frankly, my parents are not willing to spend any money on my adjustment making.

right now, i'm sick. my stomach fucking hurts. i have no appetite. i feel like throwing myself down an elevator shaft, or a flight of stairs. i'm mad at myself. i feel like a fucking retard. i feel like a failure. i've done what my biggest fear was: repeating what my brother did in his freshman year. i feel like im in a lose-lose situation.

and WORST OF FUCKING ALL.....

i still have a week left here, and a SHIT load of work to do.

and i don't even feel like doing it

because whats the point

if im not coming back next year