sorry to keep you waiting : )

okay so i was super excited to go to NC and i went and everything. it was really fun, but the first time was a lot more fun. since i've been back, i've worked and i've been really trying to watch what i eat and taking my vitamins and everything and i lost about 4 pounds! yay! it took a long time for me to finally get jumpstarted, but once i see results, i go crazy and do really well. if i lose 20 lbs this summer, i'll be stoked, at the very least, 10. i will not settle for less than 10. its been so hard to work out because my back is soo messed up. ehh i'll let u know how i'm doing, its too hot to type! lol.

so excited!!! yayyyyy

this self revelation shit is really hard. its made me re-evaluate a lot of stuff that i've left untouched in the inner depths of my mind!!
anyway. my friends that i had anticipated coming for so long have finally arrived. i am sad that i feel this way, but i was let down.

they came and brought the worst thing EVER....NEGATIVITYYYY!!! WHYYYY!! so i made an executive decision and decided that i need to take a big step backkkkk...i need to focus on positivity this summer. i really need to avoid the negative this summer because i just don't want to associate myself with that. i want to be happy. i think i'm like... finding myself or something.

so i'm going to be working at outback in june. more importantly...

I'M GOING TO NORTH CAROLINAAAA!!!!!!! i am sooo sooo SOO excited. like i had the best time when i went, thats where i started this whole blogging business any hoo. i just bought the ticket today. i am so so so so so excited. i feel like this is probably going to be the most fun part of my summer. if its anything like my spring break, i know for sure that i'll have fun! omg. did i mention that i'm excited? well i am, i'm SO excited!!! ahh!

i'm excited : )

my type of guy

since i broke up with lawrence, i haven't talked to any guys really. i did this on purpose. i've been putting all my efforts into LAUREN..thats me! i never do. i never reflect. i never analyze my thoughts. i never put all my effort into bettering myself. why? you may ask??? because i always put half of my effort into me, the other half goes to the guy of the moment. and its really not fair to me. to be honest...its a little overwhelming to put so much focus on myself. its scary to really look deep into your own soul, analyze your thoughts, analyze your dreams. i've been writing so much, i can't stop. i've written today like three times. its because i've got so many thoughts. its crazy. yesterday was really weird. i'm menstrual and very emotional and i kept crying. a lot of things are going on in my life. my ex is in a new relationship. i kind of don't care. mostly because she isn't better looking than me. and i'm actually happy that he has someone else, hes a good person. he deserves a good girlfriend. lawrence tried to talk to my friend. lol. i couldn't even get upset. because it was hilarious. he approached her the same way he approached me. how unoriginal! i talked to my therapist about him. and it was weird. i hadn't talked about him in so long, i didn't even tell my mom about him. i tell my mom about every guy i like, and i just did NOT wanna talk about him. why would i want to? he was the first male to ever make me think less of myself. thats a record breaker right there. i don't like thinking about lawrence. he messed with my heart and i don't like when people do that to me. he would drop me and then pick me up and tossed me around like a ragdoll. i don't appreciate that. and he had the nerve to tell me that i wasn't ALL THAT GREAT! i am that great. and its not just my opinion. its my moms, dads, brothers AND friends opinions of me. what makes you, a person i only knew for like a month, think its okay to make me feel less than. anyway. he isn't that important. actually he is really important. i learned what i DO NOT want in a boyfriend. so thanks lawrence! i can't even tell you how much i love going to the therapist lady. shes great. i love just talking and talking and having someone listen. i'm learning about myself. i really got totally off topic. this is supposed to be about my "type of guy" here we go:

1. Must be taller than me which isn't difficult, i'm only five foot two inches
2. Must be willing to abstain from sex, because thats what i want to do
3. Must be somewhat attractive to me
4. Must love his mom and be respectful to her
5. Must love music of ALL kinds
6. Must have some kind of relationship with God
7. Must be okay with my sexuality...and not be threatened by it
8. Must get along with my friends
9. Must be tidy...like, have a clean room
10. Must love me a LOT and mean it when he says it
11. Must have his own money
12. Must be a good conversationalist
13. Must read books lol
14. Must have a text messaging plan HA!
15. Must have a sense of style that I like
16. Must not look at other girls in my presence
17. Must buy me things on occasion
18. Must like animals
19. Must like helping the environment
20. Must be a TV or movie buff

these are things that i like, or are important to me, or i wish i could find in someone. this time around, i am not looking for anyone im gonna let God reveal someone to me. maybe i'll date a girl, maybe i'll date a guy, maybe i won't date. i'm sure if God has anything to do with it, it'll probably be a guy... but i like girls sometimes... so i can't rule them out of the equation. girls are so great...i never made a list of things i like in girls before, it can't hurt to try right?

1. I like curly hair on girls, because mine is straight
2. Must be curvy
3. I prefer dark hair
4. About my height or slightly taller
5. Has to like music
6. Has to smell good
7. Has to be kinda girly
8. Has to have a sweet voice
9. Has to be soft spoken

thats all i can think of. i wish i could go to sleep.

hello again

okay so before i was upset. i've calmed down. i do have really bad cramps right now though. brb i'm gonna go take some midol. back! well i guess in my life right now i don't feel like i have a lot to look forward to. the things i DO look forward to are trumped by the things that stress me. here are some of the examples:

--i'm looking forward to having my breast reduction surgery BUT idk if the insurance company will cover it or not

--i'm looking forward to my birthday tomorrow BUT none of my friends will be there with me (minus rissa)

--i'm looking forward to actually relaxing this summer BUT i have to take this math class

--i'm not looking forward to the math class but... i'm not even sure i can get into the class

i took the damn midol, and i still can't even breathe!!

ingrate

right now i'm crying. and i can't stop. maybe its because i have my period. maybe its because i'm completely stressed out. maybe its because its my birthday tomorrow and i'm pretty certain its going to totally suck. i never get too excited for my birthday. it always turns out really bad. this year it will suck because none of my friends with the exception of clarissa will be home. i got into a fight with my mom today. everything thats been going wrong since i've left school is an indication that this summer isn't going to be as great as i thought it would be. the summer class i was supposed to be in is all full and i have to contact my school to see if i can take it somewhere else now. thats going to be a hassle now. today sucksss. this summer is going to suck. everything sucks. and im sad. and of course right now my mom is yelling at me for not being thankful..


fuck being thankful.

ahhtherapy part deux

today i went to the new therapist. donna. she LISTENED to me. and that was a relief. after i tell people stories, i feel like i just wasted a lot of my own time. but i really felt like i got something accomplished today. i spoke, got just the right amount of feedback, and left feeling light and airy. yay!

after that i went to my mom's friends house (debbie). i love her. shes so funny. i stayed there for a while as i died a slow death from her CATS. i'm super allergic. so i took benadryl. bad idea. well it was a good idea because i didn't feel good. but i knocked OUT. i only had an hour to sleep before my babysitting job. when i woke up i was talking about something completely non sensical.. i felt soo drugged. then i babysat.

i love these kids, i really do...but they do NOT listen!! they are constantly eating. im surprised they're not all obese. thankfully it was only three hours.. i was sooo sleepyyyy.

now i'm here in my room. my friend robbie and i were talking and he invited me to go to florida with him and my other good friend. the only obstacle is MOOLAHHH. as i tried to figure out where i was going to get this money from, i realized that my birthday is in three days! hopefully i'll get like 100 bucks so i can at least pay for the ticket... it would be great if i could get just a tad more than that so i could have some spending money. we'll see if its a possibility...but it would be soo much fun.

>>>peace<<<

brand new me

since i've been at school, i haven't felt totally like myself. i still went to church, but i wasn't having the same connection with god, i ate reeeeally bad and didn't work out (thanks for the +19 pounds), and i cursed a lot more than usual. i feel like this summer is an opportunity to change these things. i am really going to try not to curse anymore. i feel like thats a good starting point to my new self. secondly, the weight issue. i figured that going back to my old habits of eating (at home) i would go back to my old weight. howevaaaa, i plan to do more than that...okay so i weigh 179. holy crap. thats a lot for a girl thats only 5'2". by the end of the summer i would totally be stoked to weigh 145. that means i'd lose 34 lbs. i feel that i'm a pretty dedicated girl when i wanna be, and i know myself. i know that right now i'm super unhappy with the way i look, i feel like crap, i've got no energy. thats not me! my idea is that i'm going to do whatever it takes to get to the point where i am happy with my body. i've been happy with my body in the past, and thats what i want for my future. and lastly...my relationship with god. since i'm home, of course i'm going to go to church. hopefully that helps. well i'll keep you posted on the new me...


PEACE!!