okay, my hair is fine. i definitely flipped out. my advice to myself: don't get hair done while expecting period.
funny story.
i went to waldbaums with nigel today and i saw a guy i dated briefly. i ended it with him because he was gang affiliated. sure its funny now, but at the time i was hurt. my relationship with my best friend jason was effected VERY much by gangs in a negative way, so i'm more sensitive to it than maybe other ppl would be. plus, here i am this jappy, preppy, princess dating someone in a gang?! that just doesn't fit. i can't help it that i'm a sucker for good looks and nice sneakers! but i'm not gonna be involved with someone gang affiliated! thats not someone i can bring home to poppa. lol. anyway. i have this thing that like, i really want to be nice to people, and i rarely give second chances to people that really hurt me.
okay so right now we're just talking on aim. it can't hurt right? idk. i've been trying my best to focus on myself and what not. men usually distract me from doing that... i know he said that he wants to be "friends" but thats a ploy if i ever heard one. i'm going to play it extremely safe with this one.
my back hurts and i'm a little thirsty.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
fleeting
happiness.
what a dumb fucking word. i feel like there are people who are happy... and i am really jealous of them. in my life, there are moments that i'm happy, but i definitely would not call myself a happy person. i am an unhappy person. things might look up for me for a moment, or things might seem okay for a while, but i would NEVER refer to myself as a happy person. i decided to get a weave. not my first time getting one or even this kind of weave, but it did not turn out the way i wanted it. i also got my period right before she started so either way it was bound to be a losing situation. i don't know if it looks bad or if its just me and my menstrual-ness, but i don't like my hair right now. if i don't like my hair, i am an UNHAPPY person. you can't be cute and have your hair looking fucked up. your fucked up hair overrides your cuteness. not that my hair looks THAT bad... but its just not what i wanted. if i things don't go exactly how i want them, i am VERY unhappy. when it comes to my makeup, my nails, and my hair .. it MUST be perfect. there is no way around it. i like my shit a certain way and if its not that way, i get VERRRRRY upset. when i got my hair done before homecoming senior year, i cried because it didn't look the way i wanted it to. thats exactly what i did tonight. UGHHH.
i was actually in a really good mood most of the day so when my boss asked me to work on friday, i said yes. now that i think about that choice, i'm like, FUCK! why did i say yes?! i don't want to work a friday!!! especially with my hair like this! i look so stupid right now and i just want to hang myself. i should have just kept my hair the way it was or tried to get in touch with the girl who used to do my hair all the time. she always did it perfectly. (but she charges). anyway, i just hate myself right now. i'm sick of always being so unhappy and hating things about myself. i want to just wake up, look at myself and be satisfied. i already can't do that and on top of the insecurities i already have, now i have to worry about my FUCKING hair. i am so not in the mood for this shit right now. i'm sure at a different time of the month, i would be a lot less upset, but right now i'm not happy at all. i'm too much of a perfectionist for this shit. i'm so fucking mad right now. i'm not even mad at christine for doing my hair like this, i'm actually mad at myself for letting her even do it... i hate the feeling of regret and unfortunately i'm feeling that emotion pretty strongly right now. i'm so upset with myself. FUCK. after seeing it all done at home, i didn't even feel like going over my friends house like i had planned, i just decided to sit here and sulk. dammit, i wish i could smoke a cigarette right now. i might ask my brother for one because i'm so fucking stressed out. thats really what i want to do right now, go smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.
what a dumb fucking word. i feel like there are people who are happy... and i am really jealous of them. in my life, there are moments that i'm happy, but i definitely would not call myself a happy person. i am an unhappy person. things might look up for me for a moment, or things might seem okay for a while, but i would NEVER refer to myself as a happy person. i decided to get a weave. not my first time getting one or even this kind of weave, but it did not turn out the way i wanted it. i also got my period right before she started so either way it was bound to be a losing situation. i don't know if it looks bad or if its just me and my menstrual-ness, but i don't like my hair right now. if i don't like my hair, i am an UNHAPPY person. you can't be cute and have your hair looking fucked up. your fucked up hair overrides your cuteness. not that my hair looks THAT bad... but its just not what i wanted. if i things don't go exactly how i want them, i am VERY unhappy. when it comes to my makeup, my nails, and my hair .. it MUST be perfect. there is no way around it. i like my shit a certain way and if its not that way, i get VERRRRRY upset. when i got my hair done before homecoming senior year, i cried because it didn't look the way i wanted it to. thats exactly what i did tonight. UGHHH.
i was actually in a really good mood most of the day so when my boss asked me to work on friday, i said yes. now that i think about that choice, i'm like, FUCK! why did i say yes?! i don't want to work a friday!!! especially with my hair like this! i look so stupid right now and i just want to hang myself. i should have just kept my hair the way it was or tried to get in touch with the girl who used to do my hair all the time. she always did it perfectly. (but she charges). anyway, i just hate myself right now. i'm sick of always being so unhappy and hating things about myself. i want to just wake up, look at myself and be satisfied. i already can't do that and on top of the insecurities i already have, now i have to worry about my FUCKING hair. i am so not in the mood for this shit right now. i'm sure at a different time of the month, i would be a lot less upset, but right now i'm not happy at all. i'm too much of a perfectionist for this shit. i'm so fucking mad right now. i'm not even mad at christine for doing my hair like this, i'm actually mad at myself for letting her even do it... i hate the feeling of regret and unfortunately i'm feeling that emotion pretty strongly right now. i'm so upset with myself. FUCK. after seeing it all done at home, i didn't even feel like going over my friends house like i had planned, i just decided to sit here and sulk. dammit, i wish i could smoke a cigarette right now. i might ask my brother for one because i'm so fucking stressed out. thats really what i want to do right now, go smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
out of boredom..
.. comes blogging!
lol.
today was uneventful pretty much.
i woke up at like 11:30 and rushed to get dressed so i could get a breakfast sandwich before 12 lmao.. my life is so sad. after that, i went back home and ate my sammy. then i basically just sat around and did nothing for a while. my parents came home from church and my mom told me about it. [i told my mom that i will no longer be attending church. its not that i have changed my beliefs, its just that, i think my church is basically corrupt.. well, at least the people are]... so nigel wanted a coolata from dunkin donuts, and so did my mom, so i took him to get them. then i did some grocery shopping for my mom at waldbaums. when i got back home, i got ready for work and did 80 the whole way there to avoid being too late. eh, who cares?
work was average. not too busy but not dead. i probably made a decent amount. i worked with a girl i haven't worked with before.. eh, i dunno how i feel about her. she is young and kind of annoying. everrrryone hates her... and i can kinda see why. she has a little bit of an attitude.
most importantly... a new season of degrassi starts soon. i can't freaking wait! i've been following this show for soo long, i feel like they are my friends. i cried when they graduated, i feel their pain, i know their stories, i know who dated who. i love that show man!
i'm tired.
lol.
today was uneventful pretty much.
i woke up at like 11:30 and rushed to get dressed so i could get a breakfast sandwich before 12 lmao.. my life is so sad. after that, i went back home and ate my sammy. then i basically just sat around and did nothing for a while. my parents came home from church and my mom told me about it. [i told my mom that i will no longer be attending church. its not that i have changed my beliefs, its just that, i think my church is basically corrupt.. well, at least the people are]... so nigel wanted a coolata from dunkin donuts, and so did my mom, so i took him to get them. then i did some grocery shopping for my mom at waldbaums. when i got back home, i got ready for work and did 80 the whole way there to avoid being too late. eh, who cares?
work was average. not too busy but not dead. i probably made a decent amount. i worked with a girl i haven't worked with before.. eh, i dunno how i feel about her. she is young and kind of annoying. everrrryone hates her... and i can kinda see why. she has a little bit of an attitude.
most importantly... a new season of degrassi starts soon. i can't freaking wait! i've been following this show for soo long, i feel like they are my friends. i cried when they graduated, i feel their pain, i know their stories, i know who dated who. i love that show man!
i'm tired.
Friday, June 20, 2008
...and now, for the finale!
okay! the decisions have all been made. i kept calling the doctor's office and she told me that i could move up the surgery date if i went to a different hospital. my surgery will be on July 9th (the same day as the John Mayer concert that i had tix to go to). i asked franci to find someone else to go to. i was really looking forward to the concert, but this surgery couldn't be put off. i am finally at a point where i don't have to worry about this anymore. i have been totally focused on this surgery for months, and its like, finally i can breathe and live my life. thank GOD.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
good news bad news
why does my life SUCK?!
okay, yesterday was a really good day for me. i found out that my insurance decided to cover my surgery. all was well and good. the only step left was to figure out the date for the surgery. the date part was supposed to be the fastest and easiest right. so i call about an hour ago and she tells me that she has nothing until the end of july! okay, that would be okay except for the fact that i'm going away for the last two weeks of july. basically all thats left is the beginning of august. i definitely DON'T want to wait until august because thats too close to school for my personal comfort. the only other option is to not get the fucking surgery. i can't believe this is happening. maybe its really not meant to happen. all the bullshit i've gone through for NOTHING. i can't do this. its tearing me apart. this is something i've wanted for YEARS and this is the closest i've ever been to actually doing it. of course everything goes sour. i can't bear the thought of waiting until next summer and having to go through the whole insurance bullshit AGAIN. this is unbearable really. this whole process. this is the perfect time in my life to have this done, but everything else is getting fucked up along the way. my parents even said if i get it done during the end of july, i could stay home during my vacation. the thought of that makes me absolutely cringe because i look forward to martha's vineyard so much. i would hate to not be able to go. even though this surgery means A WHOOOLE LOT to me, i LOVE martha's vineyard, and i really don't want to miss it. this is one of the worst situations i've ever been in.
more later.
okay, yesterday was a really good day for me. i found out that my insurance decided to cover my surgery. all was well and good. the only step left was to figure out the date for the surgery. the date part was supposed to be the fastest and easiest right. so i call about an hour ago and she tells me that she has nothing until the end of july! okay, that would be okay except for the fact that i'm going away for the last two weeks of july. basically all thats left is the beginning of august. i definitely DON'T want to wait until august because thats too close to school for my personal comfort. the only other option is to not get the fucking surgery. i can't believe this is happening. maybe its really not meant to happen. all the bullshit i've gone through for NOTHING. i can't do this. its tearing me apart. this is something i've wanted for YEARS and this is the closest i've ever been to actually doing it. of course everything goes sour. i can't bear the thought of waiting until next summer and having to go through the whole insurance bullshit AGAIN. this is unbearable really. this whole process. this is the perfect time in my life to have this done, but everything else is getting fucked up along the way. my parents even said if i get it done during the end of july, i could stay home during my vacation. the thought of that makes me absolutely cringe because i look forward to martha's vineyard so much. i would hate to not be able to go. even though this surgery means A WHOOOLE LOT to me, i LOVE martha's vineyard, and i really don't want to miss it. this is one of the worst situations i've ever been in.
more later.
Monday, June 16, 2008
another update
okay, so its monday today. by now, i was SUPPOSED to have an answer. of course i don't have one. i'm not surprised actually but i really was hoping that it would happen today. i hate this whole, waiting in the valence thing. i wrote before that they said they would expedite the process... when, i called today they said the only time they expedite anything is if it is life or death. i don't know who to believe or what the hell to do. at this point i'm truly starting to give up hope. i feel like this is just not going to happen for me. i'm on such a tight schedule and if i can't even get answer by mid june, it only leaves me a week or two to get an answer and i just don't see that happening. i really want this for myself, but right now, i'm going to come to terms with it, leave it to my dad to duke out with Cigna, and get it set in my mind that this is just NOT going to happen for me. it sucks and i'm tired of being crushed everyday when i think i'm going to get the answer. the people at Cigna are fucking retarded, i will not be getting an answer ANYTIME soon, and this dream i've had for four years is really going down the drain until next summer the earliest.
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