well i know my faithful readers have missed me. lmao. i don't have faithful readers!! anyway. i'm going on vacation in a few hours (to martha's vineyard...thats near massachusetts ok?) sooo i guess the reason i haven't written is because nothing has really happened. the ex that i started talking to again is on the 'hey babe' status.. ahh! i don't like that! i haven't had attention like this for a long time... mostly because i shunned it. i don't know... the last relationship made it very difficult to trust guys. its so funny because all guys... ALL guys always say this very line "i'm different" and i can't believe that every time i believe that shit! i actually believe them. of course i don't, at first... but eventually i give in and date them... then they lie, cheat, or steal, and then we break up. yeah. thats how every relationship has gone for me. anyway. i am very very very weary of starting a new relationship because i am sick of getting hurt. i mean, if every relationship ends with me getting hurt... why would i want to start up a new one right?
okay..i was watching that show Intervention...and it was on an alcoholic.
Question: is it bad that watching her binge drink.. kinda made me crave some beer? leave a comment with an answer
i am really into watching stuff about prison, drugs, serial killers, rapists... i REALLY enjoy it. the crime and investigation channel is my new obsession. there has GOT to be something wrong with that. maybe i should talk to my therapist about that. no lie, there is a serious rush that comes over my body when i see that law and order svu is on or when there is a new true life about addiction or disease. i'm definitely a sick lady.
maybe i'll go on vacation and meet some great guy and fall in love in two weeks and it'll be just like Grease! how sad...i have to compare my life with musicals. *sigh*
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
BROADWAYYYY!
i titled this blog 'Broadway' because i really like musicals. lol. i love that show Legally Blonde: The Search for Elle Woods. i've never seen the movie or the play, but i really like that show man! besides that, i'm absolutely 100% head over heels in LOVE with RENT the musical. i know every word to every song. when the movie comes on, i act out the entire thing. i'm in love with it. i also reeeeeally like Hairspray, but i've yet to see the play... which i'm sure is even better than the movie. usually it works that way.
besides all that jazz, i am really truly bored. i almost want to go back to work. if i was hanging out with my friends every day, it wouldn't be as bad, but i'm just sitting on the computer and watching tv all day. not fun man. i'm hoping that my good friend from college, shannel, is going to visit me on thursday. i'm REALLLLLY looking forward to it because i hate just hanging out with my mom and brother all the time. maybe i'll drive out to queens and visit my aunt. i'm seriously searching for things to do. i am at my wits' end! i don't blame my friends for having lives, i used to have a little bit of one.
boys. something i barely even talk about anymore right? well i mentioned a few blogs back that one of my exes was talking to me. well we actually talked on the phone last night for like two hours. i feel weird about it because i don't really see myself ever being with him. (he's the one with friends that are in gangs). do friends make a person? should i pass up a relationship with someone because of the company they hold? i DON'T KNOW! my answer to that question was yes with him, in the past, but i don't know. he really is a nice person, he's funny, sarcastic (like me), and we do have pretty decent conversations...not to mention he's really cute. those are the positives, and really, the one negative is the friends he has. is that fair? he, of course, doesn't think so... i don't know what to do. should i keep talking to him...letting him think that he might have a chance when he might not, or should i just cut off communication? ahhh!! besides all THAT, am i even ready to be in a relationship yet? i've been so focused on lauren lauren lauren, am i even ready to focus on someone else? i don't think so. well not yet at least.
i think my plan is going to be, i'll still talk to him and start a friendship with him and really get to know him... i refuse to rush into a relationship with someone ever again, it clearly doesn't work. please, if u read this, comment!! i need some advice!
besides all that jazz, i am really truly bored. i almost want to go back to work. if i was hanging out with my friends every day, it wouldn't be as bad, but i'm just sitting on the computer and watching tv all day. not fun man. i'm hoping that my good friend from college, shannel, is going to visit me on thursday. i'm REALLLLLY looking forward to it because i hate just hanging out with my mom and brother all the time. maybe i'll drive out to queens and visit my aunt. i'm seriously searching for things to do. i am at my wits' end! i don't blame my friends for having lives, i used to have a little bit of one.
boys. something i barely even talk about anymore right? well i mentioned a few blogs back that one of my exes was talking to me. well we actually talked on the phone last night for like two hours. i feel weird about it because i don't really see myself ever being with him. (he's the one with friends that are in gangs). do friends make a person? should i pass up a relationship with someone because of the company they hold? i DON'T KNOW! my answer to that question was yes with him, in the past, but i don't know. he really is a nice person, he's funny, sarcastic (like me), and we do have pretty decent conversations...not to mention he's really cute. those are the positives, and really, the one negative is the friends he has. is that fair? he, of course, doesn't think so... i don't know what to do. should i keep talking to him...letting him think that he might have a chance when he might not, or should i just cut off communication? ahhh!! besides all THAT, am i even ready to be in a relationship yet? i've been so focused on lauren lauren lauren, am i even ready to focus on someone else? i don't think so. well not yet at least.
i think my plan is going to be, i'll still talk to him and start a friendship with him and really get to know him... i refuse to rush into a relationship with someone ever again, it clearly doesn't work. please, if u read this, comment!! i need some advice!
Monday, July 14, 2008
FiVE
so its been five days since surgery. everything is getting progressively better and easier to do. my boobs look awesome, even though they're swollen. i feel as if they make me look MUCH thinner. they were the largerst part of me, so now they fit my body a lot better. the under arm liposuction section hurts like a BITCH!!! omg. its the worst part of the entire surgery. its difficult to put my arms down by my side. when i wake up, its the worse. moving out of the position i was in reeeally hurts. i'm only taking advil right now and that is working fine. yay! bathing suits and bras soon!! oh btw... i tried on some of my shirts. they looked really weird but in a good way. lol.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
day one
today is my first day of new boobs!! it is the most pain i've experienced in my life. vicadin is NOT strong enough!! you won't believe this but the most painful part of this whole surgery was the anesthesia tube that went down my throat. it feels like strep throat.. plus i got a fat lip on one side. honest to god, thats the worst part. my boobs themselves don't even hurt. its the sides like, under my arms that hurt. thats where i got the lipo. it hurts second to my throat. i didn't throw up... but i felt nauseous when i stood up one time and they freaked out! lol. i was supposed to stay over night but.. i didn't! i BEGGED to go home. i didn't want to stay in there all night man! i can't lie down on my back, i'm basically sitting up at like a 80 degree angle. not too comfortable.. but its as comfortable as i can get right now.
last night, or this morning i should say, at 2am, i had to pee. i decided to go by myself. bad idea. i couldn't get back in bed properly so i was in pain for about an hour thinking of ways to get in touch with my parents. i called every phone that we have in this house and of course, no one answered. the house phone didn't even ring. i thought about just getting up and going over there, but the thought of getting up out of bed and then back into bed didn't sound too good. so i ended up falling asleep for 2 more hours. when i woke up, i had to pee again, i decided to go it alone. then on the way back i got my mom so she could help me get back in bed. she gave me my 'medication' and helped me out. she got me ice chips (without a spoon so i can't even eat those) and cold water. for some reason, warm water hurts my throat even more.
the other really painful part (to me) was the IV!! omg it hurt SOOO badly. when the nurse took it out (finally) it was bleeding a lot cuz she didn't put enough pressure. through the IV she gave me morphine which BURNED THE SHIT out of my hand when it went in. omg. that was soo bad. the morphine did not make anything hurt less. so i don't really know what the purpose of that was. hmm.
right now its 6:12 am and i can't sleep so i'm just gonna wait for maury to come on later at 9. i'm also trying to think of things that i can eat that won't reeeeeally hurt my throat. this sucks right now, but i know its gonna be worth it so can't complain TOO much!
last night, or this morning i should say, at 2am, i had to pee. i decided to go by myself. bad idea. i couldn't get back in bed properly so i was in pain for about an hour thinking of ways to get in touch with my parents. i called every phone that we have in this house and of course, no one answered. the house phone didn't even ring. i thought about just getting up and going over there, but the thought of getting up out of bed and then back into bed didn't sound too good. so i ended up falling asleep for 2 more hours. when i woke up, i had to pee again, i decided to go it alone. then on the way back i got my mom so she could help me get back in bed. she gave me my 'medication' and helped me out. she got me ice chips (without a spoon so i can't even eat those) and cold water. for some reason, warm water hurts my throat even more.
the other really painful part (to me) was the IV!! omg it hurt SOOO badly. when the nurse took it out (finally) it was bleeding a lot cuz she didn't put enough pressure. through the IV she gave me morphine which BURNED THE SHIT out of my hand when it went in. omg. that was soo bad. the morphine did not make anything hurt less. so i don't really know what the purpose of that was. hmm.
right now its 6:12 am and i can't sleep so i'm just gonna wait for maury to come on later at 9. i'm also trying to think of things that i can eat that won't reeeeeally hurt my throat. this sucks right now, but i know its gonna be worth it so can't complain TOO much!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
overreaction
okay, my hair is fine. i definitely flipped out. my advice to myself: don't get hair done while expecting period.
funny story.
i went to waldbaums with nigel today and i saw a guy i dated briefly. i ended it with him because he was gang affiliated. sure its funny now, but at the time i was hurt. my relationship with my best friend jason was effected VERY much by gangs in a negative way, so i'm more sensitive to it than maybe other ppl would be. plus, here i am this jappy, preppy, princess dating someone in a gang?! that just doesn't fit. i can't help it that i'm a sucker for good looks and nice sneakers! but i'm not gonna be involved with someone gang affiliated! thats not someone i can bring home to poppa. lol. anyway. i have this thing that like, i really want to be nice to people, and i rarely give second chances to people that really hurt me.
okay so right now we're just talking on aim. it can't hurt right? idk. i've been trying my best to focus on myself and what not. men usually distract me from doing that... i know he said that he wants to be "friends" but thats a ploy if i ever heard one. i'm going to play it extremely safe with this one.
my back hurts and i'm a little thirsty.
funny story.
i went to waldbaums with nigel today and i saw a guy i dated briefly. i ended it with him because he was gang affiliated. sure its funny now, but at the time i was hurt. my relationship with my best friend jason was effected VERY much by gangs in a negative way, so i'm more sensitive to it than maybe other ppl would be. plus, here i am this jappy, preppy, princess dating someone in a gang?! that just doesn't fit. i can't help it that i'm a sucker for good looks and nice sneakers! but i'm not gonna be involved with someone gang affiliated! thats not someone i can bring home to poppa. lol. anyway. i have this thing that like, i really want to be nice to people, and i rarely give second chances to people that really hurt me.
okay so right now we're just talking on aim. it can't hurt right? idk. i've been trying my best to focus on myself and what not. men usually distract me from doing that... i know he said that he wants to be "friends" but thats a ploy if i ever heard one. i'm going to play it extremely safe with this one.
my back hurts and i'm a little thirsty.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
fleeting
happiness.
what a dumb fucking word. i feel like there are people who are happy... and i am really jealous of them. in my life, there are moments that i'm happy, but i definitely would not call myself a happy person. i am an unhappy person. things might look up for me for a moment, or things might seem okay for a while, but i would NEVER refer to myself as a happy person. i decided to get a weave. not my first time getting one or even this kind of weave, but it did not turn out the way i wanted it. i also got my period right before she started so either way it was bound to be a losing situation. i don't know if it looks bad or if its just me and my menstrual-ness, but i don't like my hair right now. if i don't like my hair, i am an UNHAPPY person. you can't be cute and have your hair looking fucked up. your fucked up hair overrides your cuteness. not that my hair looks THAT bad... but its just not what i wanted. if i things don't go exactly how i want them, i am VERY unhappy. when it comes to my makeup, my nails, and my hair .. it MUST be perfect. there is no way around it. i like my shit a certain way and if its not that way, i get VERRRRRY upset. when i got my hair done before homecoming senior year, i cried because it didn't look the way i wanted it to. thats exactly what i did tonight. UGHHH.
i was actually in a really good mood most of the day so when my boss asked me to work on friday, i said yes. now that i think about that choice, i'm like, FUCK! why did i say yes?! i don't want to work a friday!!! especially with my hair like this! i look so stupid right now and i just want to hang myself. i should have just kept my hair the way it was or tried to get in touch with the girl who used to do my hair all the time. she always did it perfectly. (but she charges). anyway, i just hate myself right now. i'm sick of always being so unhappy and hating things about myself. i want to just wake up, look at myself and be satisfied. i already can't do that and on top of the insecurities i already have, now i have to worry about my FUCKING hair. i am so not in the mood for this shit right now. i'm sure at a different time of the month, i would be a lot less upset, but right now i'm not happy at all. i'm too much of a perfectionist for this shit. i'm so fucking mad right now. i'm not even mad at christine for doing my hair like this, i'm actually mad at myself for letting her even do it... i hate the feeling of regret and unfortunately i'm feeling that emotion pretty strongly right now. i'm so upset with myself. FUCK. after seeing it all done at home, i didn't even feel like going over my friends house like i had planned, i just decided to sit here and sulk. dammit, i wish i could smoke a cigarette right now. i might ask my brother for one because i'm so fucking stressed out. thats really what i want to do right now, go smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.
what a dumb fucking word. i feel like there are people who are happy... and i am really jealous of them. in my life, there are moments that i'm happy, but i definitely would not call myself a happy person. i am an unhappy person. things might look up for me for a moment, or things might seem okay for a while, but i would NEVER refer to myself as a happy person. i decided to get a weave. not my first time getting one or even this kind of weave, but it did not turn out the way i wanted it. i also got my period right before she started so either way it was bound to be a losing situation. i don't know if it looks bad or if its just me and my menstrual-ness, but i don't like my hair right now. if i don't like my hair, i am an UNHAPPY person. you can't be cute and have your hair looking fucked up. your fucked up hair overrides your cuteness. not that my hair looks THAT bad... but its just not what i wanted. if i things don't go exactly how i want them, i am VERY unhappy. when it comes to my makeup, my nails, and my hair .. it MUST be perfect. there is no way around it. i like my shit a certain way and if its not that way, i get VERRRRRY upset. when i got my hair done before homecoming senior year, i cried because it didn't look the way i wanted it to. thats exactly what i did tonight. UGHHH.
i was actually in a really good mood most of the day so when my boss asked me to work on friday, i said yes. now that i think about that choice, i'm like, FUCK! why did i say yes?! i don't want to work a friday!!! especially with my hair like this! i look so stupid right now and i just want to hang myself. i should have just kept my hair the way it was or tried to get in touch with the girl who used to do my hair all the time. she always did it perfectly. (but she charges). anyway, i just hate myself right now. i'm sick of always being so unhappy and hating things about myself. i want to just wake up, look at myself and be satisfied. i already can't do that and on top of the insecurities i already have, now i have to worry about my FUCKING hair. i am so not in the mood for this shit right now. i'm sure at a different time of the month, i would be a lot less upset, but right now i'm not happy at all. i'm too much of a perfectionist for this shit. i'm so fucking mad right now. i'm not even mad at christine for doing my hair like this, i'm actually mad at myself for letting her even do it... i hate the feeling of regret and unfortunately i'm feeling that emotion pretty strongly right now. i'm so upset with myself. FUCK. after seeing it all done at home, i didn't even feel like going over my friends house like i had planned, i just decided to sit here and sulk. dammit, i wish i could smoke a cigarette right now. i might ask my brother for one because i'm so fucking stressed out. thats really what i want to do right now, go smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.
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