ahhtherapy part deux

today i went to the new therapist. donna. she LISTENED to me. and that was a relief. after i tell people stories, i feel like i just wasted a lot of my own time. but i really felt like i got something accomplished today. i spoke, got just the right amount of feedback, and left feeling light and airy. yay!

after that i went to my mom's friends house (debbie). i love her. shes so funny. i stayed there for a while as i died a slow death from her CATS. i'm super allergic. so i took benadryl. bad idea. well it was a good idea because i didn't feel good. but i knocked OUT. i only had an hour to sleep before my babysitting job. when i woke up i was talking about something completely non sensical.. i felt soo drugged. then i babysat.

i love these kids, i really do...but they do NOT listen!! they are constantly eating. im surprised they're not all obese. thankfully it was only three hours.. i was sooo sleepyyyy.

now i'm here in my room. my friend robbie and i were talking and he invited me to go to florida with him and my other good friend. the only obstacle is MOOLAHHH. as i tried to figure out where i was going to get this money from, i realized that my birthday is in three days! hopefully i'll get like 100 bucks so i can at least pay for the ticket... it would be great if i could get just a tad more than that so i could have some spending money. we'll see if its a possibility...but it would be soo much fun.

>>>peace<<<

brand new me

since i've been at school, i haven't felt totally like myself. i still went to church, but i wasn't having the same connection with god, i ate reeeeally bad and didn't work out (thanks for the +19 pounds), and i cursed a lot more than usual. i feel like this summer is an opportunity to change these things. i am really going to try not to curse anymore. i feel like thats a good starting point to my new self. secondly, the weight issue. i figured that going back to my old habits of eating (at home) i would go back to my old weight. howevaaaa, i plan to do more than that...okay so i weigh 179. holy crap. thats a lot for a girl thats only 5'2". by the end of the summer i would totally be stoked to weigh 145. that means i'd lose 34 lbs. i feel that i'm a pretty dedicated girl when i wanna be, and i know myself. i know that right now i'm super unhappy with the way i look, i feel like crap, i've got no energy. thats not me! my idea is that i'm going to do whatever it takes to get to the point where i am happy with my body. i've been happy with my body in the past, and thats what i want for my future. and lastly...my relationship with god. since i'm home, of course i'm going to go to church. hopefully that helps. well i'll keep you posted on the new me...


PEACE!!

as soon as i get on my feet....

...i get knocked right back down. as you can read, i was feeling reeeeeally good this morning. now i feel HORRIBLE. everything is going wrong. i thought i had a B in this class... but i have a C and the only way i can get a B is if i do the optional final thats a 4000 word response essay...not four hundred...four THOUSAND btw. i never have and still can't catch a break. i tried to call my mom but to follow her normal pattern, she gave me a "let me call you back" and then hung up. when she called me back i nearly broke my toe on my stupid mother fucking roommate's suitcase. so i hung up. when i called her back, she said "well i don't know what to tell ya" at this point, i just want to take the fucking C in the class, do poorly and not come back to howard. i feel like the world is against me right now. i don't want to be around anyone at all. no one can offer a single word of advice other than 'it'll be okay' (even though it won't) or 'you'll be fine' (even though i'm not).... and NO i DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! i'm sick of everything dc has to 'offer' me right now. i'm sick of my roommates. i'm sick of my 'friends' i'm sick of looking at the same four motherfucking walls, i'm sick of school, i'm sick of this heat and of sweating even when i'm completely still, i'm sick of trying and reaping nothing from my efforts, i'm sick of my parents offering zero support, i'm sick of people who pretend to listen to me, i'm sick of old flames showing themselves, i'm pretty much sick of my current life right now.

can i PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE go home!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Blessed

as i lay here with my laptop, i realize how highly favored i am by god. my roommate is on the phone with someone discussing where shes going to be living next year. you see, at howard, housing is only guaranteed for the first year. after the first year, housing is chosen by rsvp points that you can accumulate threw various activities on campus, community service, ur gpa etc. when my day to choose housing arrived, i was lucky enough to end up in meridian. its a co-ed off campus dorm. my other current roommate and my really good friend dani are going to be living there too. (very exciting!) but a LOT of my other close friends did not even get housing; the same predicament my roommate is in. when i found out that i had housing, i was so happy but as soon as i got like..really happy...my friend came into the room and said they didn't get housing. no more celebration! anyway back to the real point...

i am SO blessed. i have housing in the place i really wanted to live, i don't have to worry about finding an apartment or a house or anything. i've been trying to be more aware of my blessings and about the things i take for granted.

the other day my friend from french class (who lives in meridian) showed me around the building and the area. i love it and i'm so so so SOO happy and i can't talk about it cuz my friends didn't get housing so i'm letting everyone who reads this know. i'm SOO happy!

and i'm going home on monday!

its all good in my hood.

ahhtherapy

i took a nap today. i had a really weird dream during this nap. here it goes:

so i joined this religion that was like, some african religious group at my school. so the main theme of this group was "brotherhood"...so i'm at an assembly for this group and i'm signing the pledge of allegiance, when all of a sudden, i feel weak and pass out. when i come to, i see that no one even budged from their seats to help me. i then went to the leader and inquired as to why the theme of this group was brotherhood, yet when i was in need, no one helped me!! he gave me some bullshit reason which made me mad and i told him i was leaving the group. then the leader told me that if i wanted to have an open discussion, we could. i told him i didn't want to because no one would be on my side...so i left the fucking group.

this is my analysis... i always have dreams about not being able to be heard, or no one listening to me, or trying to get people's attention. i always have this feeling that no one cares what i have to say, and that bothers the hell out of me. i told my mom about this dream and we started talking about it. and some crazy way through this conversation, i decided i want to talk to a therapist. so when i come home for the summer i'll be talking to a psychologist. i used to talk to one when i was younger...like fifth grade. i went thru a lot of shit back then and it helped me...i have a lot of shit on my chest so i'm kinda excited for it.

ehhh peace

suicidal thanks mom and dad

a few minutes ago i had a very horrifying, sobering, saddening, depressing, shitty ass conversation with my mother. here is some background info:

welll, my first semester was a big joke. i did really poorly, never went to class, and partied a lot. but after a conversation with my parents, i really did a 180 (or so i thought). this semester i worked on procrastinating, only missed class when i really didn't feel well, and even went to the library which i hate so much. but now its the end of the semester and i'm definitely worried. i am not and never have been a good test taker. i freeze up, i get nervous, and i forget EVERYTHING i studied. so obviously that effects my grades. on top of that, the classes i took this semester were a lot tougher than last semester. to make this shitty story short, i am terrified of what my grades will be..heres what they might look like:

Orientation: A
English: A (most likely)
Intro. To Contemporary Africa: C (if i'm lucky a B)
Phonetics: C (if i'm lucky)
French: NO FREAKING CLUE

so my parents informed me that if i have a D in a class or more than one C, i won't be returning to howard next fall. the thought of leaving howard is sad because i do love it here, but i have also thought that maybe i'm wasting my time here because i'm not doing what i love which is american sign language. but the thing i hate to even think about is going HOME!! i don't want to live at my house with my parent's stupid rules and little to no freedom. i HATE HATE HATE that. i also don't want to think about starting all over again at some other school as a transfer student. i am really trying to think of the positive, but there aren't too many.

i would be happier in my school environment if i was doing sign language but there aren't even that many schools that offer sign language as a major...and i might even end up at Suffolk or Nassau ..gulp.. community college. honestly, the worst part is letting my parents and myself down. and even worse than that is fucking embarrassment! its embarrassing to come back home from school because you weren't getting good grades. people find out about that shit. its not like i'm stupid or that this school is too tough, i really think its just making an adjustment. quite frankly, my parents are not willing to spend any money on my adjustment making.

right now, i'm sick. my stomach fucking hurts. i have no appetite. i feel like throwing myself down an elevator shaft, or a flight of stairs. i'm mad at myself. i feel like a fucking retard. i feel like a failure. i've done what my biggest fear was: repeating what my brother did in his freshman year. i feel like im in a lose-lose situation.

and WORST OF FUCKING ALL.....

i still have a week left here, and a SHIT load of work to do.

and i don't even feel like doing it

because whats the point

if im not coming back next year

...happily ever after

in my life, i haven't had a lot of boyfriends. but sometimes i think i've already met my soul-mate. for fear that he might stumble across my humble blog, we'll change names and places and other tell tale signs. ok? cool. lets call him Jack Rose (like the Titanic characters)...okay. so Jack and I grew up together in a way, until he moved away..really far away. but he came to visit one summer when we were younger and i fell in a ( 9 y.o's version) of love with him. so when he emerged later in my life (around the age of 13) it was like the same thing all over again. theres just something about Jack that totally intrigued me. so senior year in high school, i decided to see if i could find a picture of Jack on the internet...and i found more than that. i found a live moving video of him! it was like falling in that same (9 y.o's version) of love with him all over again. theres just something about Jack Rose!! but i tried to just disconnect from what i had found and i just went about my regular life. but my curiosity got the best of me and earlier in the school year i found Jack's myspace. the story keeps going the same route. whenever i see a picture of him i automatically revert back to those old feelings and i truly think they'll never go away. of course my fear of rejection comes into play, and i don't feel i could ever talk to him about these feelings. it took a lot of effort to even spark up conversation with him via internet. im not too sure what the purpose of this post is. i guess to get it out of my system. but i guess the bottom line is: Jack Rose, if you ever read this, i know you'll know it's about you, and i want you to know that what i've experienced with you is the closest thing to the idea of 'love' i've ever known. sometimes i think its me being a stalker or being obsessed, but i know that if locations and times were different we would be together.

wow that feels good.