suicidal thanks mom and dad

a few minutes ago i had a very horrifying, sobering, saddening, depressing, shitty ass conversation with my mother. here is some background info:

welll, my first semester was a big joke. i did really poorly, never went to class, and partied a lot. but after a conversation with my parents, i really did a 180 (or so i thought). this semester i worked on procrastinating, only missed class when i really didn't feel well, and even went to the library which i hate so much. but now its the end of the semester and i'm definitely worried. i am not and never have been a good test taker. i freeze up, i get nervous, and i forget EVERYTHING i studied. so obviously that effects my grades. on top of that, the classes i took this semester were a lot tougher than last semester. to make this shitty story short, i am terrified of what my grades will be..heres what they might look like:

Orientation: A
English: A (most likely)
Intro. To Contemporary Africa: C (if i'm lucky a B)
Phonetics: C (if i'm lucky)
French: NO FREAKING CLUE

so my parents informed me that if i have a D in a class or more than one C, i won't be returning to howard next fall. the thought of leaving howard is sad because i do love it here, but i have also thought that maybe i'm wasting my time here because i'm not doing what i love which is american sign language. but the thing i hate to even think about is going HOME!! i don't want to live at my house with my parent's stupid rules and little to no freedom. i HATE HATE HATE that. i also don't want to think about starting all over again at some other school as a transfer student. i am really trying to think of the positive, but there aren't too many.

i would be happier in my school environment if i was doing sign language but there aren't even that many schools that offer sign language as a major...and i might even end up at Suffolk or Nassau ..gulp.. community college. honestly, the worst part is letting my parents and myself down. and even worse than that is fucking embarrassment! its embarrassing to come back home from school because you weren't getting good grades. people find out about that shit. its not like i'm stupid or that this school is too tough, i really think its just making an adjustment. quite frankly, my parents are not willing to spend any money on my adjustment making.

right now, i'm sick. my stomach fucking hurts. i have no appetite. i feel like throwing myself down an elevator shaft, or a flight of stairs. i'm mad at myself. i feel like a fucking retard. i feel like a failure. i've done what my biggest fear was: repeating what my brother did in his freshman year. i feel like im in a lose-lose situation.

and WORST OF FUCKING ALL.....

i still have a week left here, and a SHIT load of work to do.

and i don't even feel like doing it

because whats the point

if im not coming back next year

...happily ever after

in my life, i haven't had a lot of boyfriends. but sometimes i think i've already met my soul-mate. for fear that he might stumble across my humble blog, we'll change names and places and other tell tale signs. ok? cool. lets call him Jack Rose (like the Titanic characters)...okay. so Jack and I grew up together in a way, until he moved away..really far away. but he came to visit one summer when we were younger and i fell in a ( 9 y.o's version) of love with him. so when he emerged later in my life (around the age of 13) it was like the same thing all over again. theres just something about Jack that totally intrigued me. so senior year in high school, i decided to see if i could find a picture of Jack on the internet...and i found more than that. i found a live moving video of him! it was like falling in that same (9 y.o's version) of love with him all over again. theres just something about Jack Rose!! but i tried to just disconnect from what i had found and i just went about my regular life. but my curiosity got the best of me and earlier in the school year i found Jack's myspace. the story keeps going the same route. whenever i see a picture of him i automatically revert back to those old feelings and i truly think they'll never go away. of course my fear of rejection comes into play, and i don't feel i could ever talk to him about these feelings. it took a lot of effort to even spark up conversation with him via internet. im not too sure what the purpose of this post is. i guess to get it out of my system. but i guess the bottom line is: Jack Rose, if you ever read this, i know you'll know it's about you, and i want you to know that what i've experienced with you is the closest thing to the idea of 'love' i've ever known. sometimes i think its me being a stalker or being obsessed, but i know that if locations and times were different we would be together.

wow that feels good.

25 Things I'd Like to do Before I Die

1. Travel to a European country
2. See Robin Thicke in concert
3. Be at a weight that I’m happy with
4. Get a perfect score on a math test
5. Find out what love feels like
6. Become completely independent and unafraid of what that entails
7. Own a real designer bag
8. Interpret Sign Language for a large crowd of people
9. Get to a point where I actually WANT to go to Church on a Sunday morning
10. Read the entire Bible
11. Live in New York City
12. Live in a different country for an extended period of time
13. Have a dog, a small one
14. Marry my soul-mate (whom I really think is Jack Rose..see..."happily ever after")
15. Have two children and give them unconventional names
16. Appear on TV
17. Achieve above a 3.5 GPA
18. Own a Mercedes Kompressor
19. Have a boyfriend for longer than 2 months : )
20. Find a friend who will listen to me no matter what I’m talking about (and actually care)
21. Have a successful pen-pal
22. Buy a pair of sneakers (that aren’t converses) and wear them more than twice
23. Learn how to play a song on the guitar
24. Sing in front of a really big audience
25. Reach Nirvana

i think i can do every single thing on this list...we'll see

S.S.B.

Secret Society of Bullshit

i'll be safe and say that (((right now in this moment and this point of time))) i hate sororities. i don't so much mind fraternities, because boys in fraternities are cute. but heres the deal... and why i call it SSB... on my campus, literally EVERYTHING is Greek based. all girls want to be in sororities, and when they have functions for the sororities, a bunch of girls from my floor went. the thing that bothers me the most is they can't talk about it. so when i asked why my roommate was all dressed up... she didn't even answer me. which to anyone with common sense would view as RUDE! anyway, i have had to be subject to about a MILLION conversations about sororities and i just frankly, don't give a flying fuck! i just don't think that shit is for me. i'm a free spirit. i couldn't handle some bitches talkin all kinds of bullshit and messing with my mind, telling me what to do. aw hell nah! lemme calm down. anyway, i suppose they're entitled to their little opinions..

but deep

deep

down...





i hope none of them make it into any sorority : )



****kevie!! you're the best wink wink****

"out of my league"

soo, since my last breakup, i've sworn off men completely (for now). i figure, i should just focus on myself and my grades and finishing up freshman year. so far so good. anywhoo...last night i was having a long talk with my roommate kara, and we were talking about the various good looking males on campus...most females agree that casey crawford is "the best looking guy on campus"...i mean, he is absolutely gorgeous. he has beautiful well kept dreads, hes tall, light skinned, perfect facial features, and tattoos. after all, he is a model. everything about this man is perfection! (except that pesky little girlfriend of his)...so i said to kara "casey is totally out of my league." kara said that i shouldn't say that...but why not? he IS out of my league. if i went up to him and said "listen casey, i think you're gorgeous and we should go out some time" he would more than likely look at me like i'm crazy, and then proceed to walk away. so that is that!

keeping with the same trend, i thought about my approach with men and i realized that when it comes to guys i like, i often use the phrase "out of my league"...so do these leagues actually exist, or are they just in my head? but when i really think about it, all "leagues" are is just a big fear of rejection. and i definitely have that...badly.

sooooo maybe casey crawford isn't out of my league...but im still not saying shit to him because he'll turn me down!

okay so i gotta work on my fear of rejection...