-FIN-

lauren is finished.

i am tired. tired of what? lauren is tired of not being appreciated, not feeling special, arguing, bickering, and dealing with BULLSHIT people. i am so tired of listening to people saying that they're going to change in 09, but there really is something i need to change. i WILL NOT deal with people who are not worthy of my presence. whether it be friendship, a relationship, whatever. if you do not add something positive to my life, consider yourself cut-off. i believe the saying goes, 'you're in control of your own destiny' or something like that. anyway, i truly believe that, with the addition of God of course. he is actually in control of my destiny, but yeah, you get what i'm trying to say.

so what am i really saying? who am i really talking about? i'm sure the faithful readers figured it out already. CGT, i'm sick of thinking about him, talking to him, seeing him, dealing with his bitchy little attitude. i doubt i even told you ALL the bullshit i've gone through with this 'man'. this was our convo today:
CGT: hey
me: hello
CGT: why haven't i seen you?
me: idk, you tell me
CGT: you tell me...
me: i do not know. it's up to you if you want to see me
CGT: ok...it's a two way street..but its fine!
me: generally when we see eachother its at ur house, i'm not going to invite myself over. unless we go somewhere for a change
CGT: i thought we were going to the movies on the 16th
me: yeah we can, but thats a week away
CGT: no, you have a little attitude
me: i do?
CGT: i don't have time for that
me: alright..
CGT: ok
me: you don't want to talk to me anymore?
CGT: i didn't say that.. i don't talk to attitudes.. i don't do that anymore
lol, okay.

idk readers, i really didn't think i had an attitude. wait, i did have an attitude, but i didn't think he'd be able to see it in a text message! lmfao. okay, mind you, the whole time he texted me and shit, i was LAUGHING. oh i didn't even tell you guys that i saw him in starbucks with another girl. friend or not, i was SO over him in that one moment. why? because he NEVERRRRRR takes me ANYWHEREEEE. and he can take that bitch somewhere? okay. cool.

so, no, i'm not upset. not in the least. CGT qualifies as a bullshit person, and you all know what i JUST said about whats happening to bullshit people in the year 2009. there is no going back. he doesn't get another chance. he got one back in like, november when i dropped his ass and he came CRAWLING back to me. when he gets over this little bitch-fit, i'm sure he'll come crawling back again. unfortunately for him, he already used that second chance. my view of guys when i first meet them is that they are already a piece of shit and i wait for them to mess up. he did that already. but i believe in second chances. so once they mess up that one, we're THROUGH.

i'm not angry, just doneee.

all good things must come to an end?

now... i'm not saying that my break was like the best EVER, but it was good. and its not like i really don't wanna go back to school... i'm just really apprehensive about the classes i'm taking. they're going to be super challenging. i'm really nervous about that. i also hate traveling, so i'm definitely not looking forward to that!

cgt said he was happy i'm coming home and whatever, but idk. i feel like our 'relationship' is not going anywhere and sometimes i feel like i could do better. there are just some issues that i'm not sure i can deal with. i feel like i give 100% to the relaionship (as i do with all of my relationships), and he is giving maybe 30%. something big is that, i feel he doesn't listen to me. scratch that. i KNOW he doesn't listen to me. which brings me to something else. i feel like i've reeeeally matured over this break. and when i go back to cgt, i'm gonna make sure that i'm more assertive and tell him what i want from being with him. then, i'll see how bad he actually wants to be with me. i mean, i know he isn't really looking to be in a relationship, but maybe that is what I'M looking for... i don't want to stifle myself. the whole reason i went to therapy this past summer is because i felt like no one ever listened to me. on my list of things i want to do before i die, one of them is 'i want to find a friend that actually listens to me'... clearly, this is a problem! i want to be able to sit with cgt and have a conversation. a back-and-forth. to have a back-and-forth, you have to listen to the person talking. i always listen to him. i pride myself on being a good listener. this is what happens in our 'conversations'...
CGT: blahhhh blah blah blah blah blahhhhh blahhhh blah
Me: oh wow, thats so uncool.
Me: so today, my friend actually died.
CGT: ..silence..

or:

CGT: blah blahhhh blah blah blahh blahhhh blah
Me: oh wow, thats amazing, i'm so proud of you!
Me: So, my mom was telling me that my brother got accepted into the NBA!
CGT: ..silence..

it doesn't matter what i say, he never has a response, so that seems like he isn't listening, right? right.
and its also little things, like he never walks me back to my dorm, he never asks me questions about myself. like, everything he knows about me, was on facebook or i offered him the information. i do not know, readers, i do not know. when i think about the negative things, they seem so plentiful. which is nottt good. i want someone who can make me happy and actually gives a shit about me. like, one of the things that cgt did that made me SO angry, was that we were texting and i said 'i miss you' and he didn't say anything back. like, damn. in that case, i take it back, i don't miss your ass! that really made me mad. i have this habit of going above and beyond for people, and i don't even get half of that in return. what to do, what to do!!!

if you have advice for me, please leave me a comment.