frustrating!!!

maybe some of you girls reading this could relate. maybe not. so i was talking to the guy.. lol.. and i was a little pissed that he hadn't really been trying to contact me as much this past week. so i IMed him and we were having this conversation and he said a phrase that absolutely grinds my gears and makes my blood boil... here we go...

"Why Are You Mad At Me?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAh! first of all how the hell do u know if i'm mad or not. okay heres more background on the situation... i had said, "okay, whatever". i was trying to just end the argument (of sorts) because i didn't feel like arguing with him. it doesn't mean i'm mad it means its WHATEVAAA! that just really bothered me. this is the exact fucking reason why i stopped talking to guys. they're so fucking dumb! all they do is frustrate me. i just don't believe that there is any such thing as love or that a good relationship is even possible anymore. like i really have given up completely. i still hope for it, but in my mind at the same time, i know its not possible... or at least not for me.

god i'm so fucking frustrated

facebook note : )

i wrote a lot on my birthday and i think the best thing i wrote was in a facebook note. i think it might be one of my favorite things that i've written in a long time. i thought i'd put it on my blog : )


Today is my birthday. Usually I'm happy on my birthday, but this year I'm really not. I've actually been super-emotional. Since I can't sleep, I decided to read my journal entry from my birthday last year. If you ask me about my past birthdays I'll probably tell you that I had allll crappy birthdays, but thats not entirely true. Last year I had a great day. I got to see my friends, be with my family, it was really nice. I said something in my journal that sounded so optimistic it was almost sickening, "I have so much to look back on, and so much to look forward to." And yeah, at that point in my life, I did have a lot to look forward to... summer, freshman year, freedom. Life really didn't suck for me at that point. I felt really bad about my current mood because I really wanted to be that happy again... to feel that same optimism. So I really am trying to look to the positive things that could happen to me. Hell, God was good enough to grant me another year on this earth. If nothing else, I could feel happy about that right? What am I looking forward to now? I'm looking forward to seeing my friends for a whole three months, I'm looking forward to losing the weight I put on during freshman year (thanks mcdonalds and hochi), I'm looking forward to God putting a good person who loves me in my life, and most importantly, I'm looking forward to becoming a more mature, beautiful and intelligent woman. That is another thing I realized while looking back at my journal, I have matured SO much. I left Long Island for the first time as a naive, immature, girl. Howard turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". Even though certain people tried to hold me back with their negativity this year, I stayed strong and accomplished great things. I thank the people in my life that empowered me for being there. I also thank the people that tried to bring me down with their negativity because guess what! You FAILED. I'm stronger than ever. I'm unaffected by all your garbage. So I'm going to try my best to feel happy on this birthday of mine. If you have wished me a happy one, thanks a bunch...I appreciate it.

i'm in LOVEEEEE

i fell in love this morning guys. forreal. i don't know how, but i came across this guy's youtube videos. oh. my. god. he sings and plays acoustic guitar and covers all kinds of songs. ohhhh my god. he is so good. and of all places, he's from DC!! i can't even tell you how talented (and cute) he is! i even felt compelled to write him a message which i never do. i tried not to sound too much like i was on his jock, but omg he was great!!! i literally fell in love as he played the songs. he is amazing. so brad doggett. i am in love with you <33333333333

to the readers

i guess this is the only way to go about this. i am just apologizing to everyone that i may have hurt through this blog. honestly i didn't think that people who were reading it... were. the purpose of my writing is not to hurt ANYONE. what i won't apologize for is displaying my feelings candidly. i write to get stuff off my chest and in doing that, i am in no way trying to hurt anyone. i can't un-read what people read or un-hurt peoples feelings but i am truly sorry.