...i get knocked right back down. as you can read, i was feeling reeeeeally good this morning. now i feel HORRIBLE. everything is going wrong. i thought i had a B in this class... but i have a C and the only way i can get a B is if i do the optional final thats a 4000 word response essay...not four hundred...four THOUSAND btw. i never have and still can't catch a break. i tried to call my mom but to follow her normal pattern, she gave me a "let me call you back" and then hung up. when she called me back i nearly broke my toe on my stupid mother fucking roommate's suitcase. so i hung up. when i called her back, she said "well i don't know what to tell ya" at this point, i just want to take the fucking C in the class, do poorly and not come back to howard. i feel like the world is against me right now. i don't want to be around anyone at all. no one can offer a single word of advice other than 'it'll be okay' (even though it won't) or 'you'll be fine' (even though i'm not).... and NO i DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! i'm sick of everything dc has to 'offer' me right now. i'm sick of my roommates. i'm sick of my 'friends' i'm sick of looking at the same four motherfucking walls, i'm sick of school, i'm sick of this heat and of sweating even when i'm completely still, i'm sick of trying and reaping nothing from my efforts, i'm sick of my parents offering zero support, i'm sick of people who pretend to listen to me, i'm sick of old flames showing themselves, i'm pretty much sick of my current life right now.
can i PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE go home!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Blessed
as i lay here with my laptop, i realize how highly favored i am by god. my roommate is on the phone with someone discussing where shes going to be living next year. you see, at howard, housing is only guaranteed for the first year. after the first year, housing is chosen by rsvp points that you can accumulate threw various activities on campus, community service, ur gpa etc. when my day to choose housing arrived, i was lucky enough to end up in meridian. its a co-ed off campus dorm. my other current roommate and my really good friend dani are going to be living there too. (very exciting!) but a LOT of my other close friends did not even get housing; the same predicament my roommate is in. when i found out that i had housing, i was so happy but as soon as i got like..really happy...my friend came into the room and said they didn't get housing. no more celebration! anyway back to the real point...
i am SO blessed. i have housing in the place i really wanted to live, i don't have to worry about finding an apartment or a house or anything. i've been trying to be more aware of my blessings and about the things i take for granted.
the other day my friend from french class (who lives in meridian) showed me around the building and the area. i love it and i'm so so so SOO happy and i can't talk about it cuz my friends didn't get housing so i'm letting everyone who reads this know. i'm SOO happy!
and i'm going home on monday!
its all good in my hood.
i am SO blessed. i have housing in the place i really wanted to live, i don't have to worry about finding an apartment or a house or anything. i've been trying to be more aware of my blessings and about the things i take for granted.
the other day my friend from french class (who lives in meridian) showed me around the building and the area. i love it and i'm so so so SOO happy and i can't talk about it cuz my friends didn't get housing so i'm letting everyone who reads this know. i'm SOO happy!
and i'm going home on monday!
its all good in my hood.
Monday, April 21, 2008
ahhtherapy
i took a nap today. i had a really weird dream during this nap. here it goes:
so i joined this religion that was like, some african religious group at my school. so the main theme of this group was "brotherhood"...so i'm at an assembly for this group and i'm signing the pledge of allegiance, when all of a sudden, i feel weak and pass out. when i come to, i see that no one even budged from their seats to help me. i then went to the leader and inquired as to why the theme of this group was brotherhood, yet when i was in need, no one helped me!! he gave me some bullshit reason which made me mad and i told him i was leaving the group. then the leader told me that if i wanted to have an open discussion, we could. i told him i didn't want to because no one would be on my side...so i left the fucking group.
this is my analysis... i always have dreams about not being able to be heard, or no one listening to me, or trying to get people's attention. i always have this feeling that no one cares what i have to say, and that bothers the hell out of me. i told my mom about this dream and we started talking about it. and some crazy way through this conversation, i decided i want to talk to a therapist. so when i come home for the summer i'll be talking to a psychologist. i used to talk to one when i was younger...like fifth grade. i went thru a lot of shit back then and it helped me...i have a lot of shit on my chest so i'm kinda excited for it.
ehhh peace
so i joined this religion that was like, some african religious group at my school. so the main theme of this group was "brotherhood"...so i'm at an assembly for this group and i'm signing the pledge of allegiance, when all of a sudden, i feel weak and pass out. when i come to, i see that no one even budged from their seats to help me. i then went to the leader and inquired as to why the theme of this group was brotherhood, yet when i was in need, no one helped me!! he gave me some bullshit reason which made me mad and i told him i was leaving the group. then the leader told me that if i wanted to have an open discussion, we could. i told him i didn't want to because no one would be on my side...so i left the fucking group.
this is my analysis... i always have dreams about not being able to be heard, or no one listening to me, or trying to get people's attention. i always have this feeling that no one cares what i have to say, and that bothers the hell out of me. i told my mom about this dream and we started talking about it. and some crazy way through this conversation, i decided i want to talk to a therapist. so when i come home for the summer i'll be talking to a psychologist. i used to talk to one when i was younger...like fifth grade. i went thru a lot of shit back then and it helped me...i have a lot of shit on my chest so i'm kinda excited for it.
ehhh peace
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