my type of guy

since i broke up with lawrence, i haven't talked to any guys really. i did this on purpose. i've been putting all my efforts into LAUREN..thats me! i never do. i never reflect. i never analyze my thoughts. i never put all my effort into bettering myself. why? you may ask??? because i always put half of my effort into me, the other half goes to the guy of the moment. and its really not fair to me. to be honest...its a little overwhelming to put so much focus on myself. its scary to really look deep into your own soul, analyze your thoughts, analyze your dreams. i've been writing so much, i can't stop. i've written today like three times. its because i've got so many thoughts. its crazy. yesterday was really weird. i'm menstrual and very emotional and i kept crying. a lot of things are going on in my life. my ex is in a new relationship. i kind of don't care. mostly because she isn't better looking than me. and i'm actually happy that he has someone else, hes a good person. he deserves a good girlfriend. lawrence tried to talk to my friend. lol. i couldn't even get upset. because it was hilarious. he approached her the same way he approached me. how unoriginal! i talked to my therapist about him. and it was weird. i hadn't talked about him in so long, i didn't even tell my mom about him. i tell my mom about every guy i like, and i just did NOT wanna talk about him. why would i want to? he was the first male to ever make me think less of myself. thats a record breaker right there. i don't like thinking about lawrence. he messed with my heart and i don't like when people do that to me. he would drop me and then pick me up and tossed me around like a ragdoll. i don't appreciate that. and he had the nerve to tell me that i wasn't ALL THAT GREAT! i am that great. and its not just my opinion. its my moms, dads, brothers AND friends opinions of me. what makes you, a person i only knew for like a month, think its okay to make me feel less than. anyway. he isn't that important. actually he is really important. i learned what i DO NOT want in a boyfriend. so thanks lawrence! i can't even tell you how much i love going to the therapist lady. shes great. i love just talking and talking and having someone listen. i'm learning about myself. i really got totally off topic. this is supposed to be about my "type of guy" here we go:

1. Must be taller than me which isn't difficult, i'm only five foot two inches
2. Must be willing to abstain from sex, because thats what i want to do
3. Must be somewhat attractive to me
4. Must love his mom and be respectful to her
5. Must love music of ALL kinds
6. Must have some kind of relationship with God
7. Must be okay with my sexuality...and not be threatened by it
8. Must get along with my friends
9. Must be tidy...like, have a clean room
10. Must love me a LOT and mean it when he says it
11. Must have his own money
12. Must be a good conversationalist
13. Must read books lol
14. Must have a text messaging plan HA!
15. Must have a sense of style that I like
16. Must not look at other girls in my presence
17. Must buy me things on occasion
18. Must like animals
19. Must like helping the environment
20. Must be a TV or movie buff

these are things that i like, or are important to me, or i wish i could find in someone. this time around, i am not looking for anyone im gonna let God reveal someone to me. maybe i'll date a girl, maybe i'll date a guy, maybe i won't date. i'm sure if God has anything to do with it, it'll probably be a guy... but i like girls sometimes... so i can't rule them out of the equation. girls are so great...i never made a list of things i like in girls before, it can't hurt to try right?

1. I like curly hair on girls, because mine is straight
2. Must be curvy
3. I prefer dark hair
4. About my height or slightly taller
5. Has to like music
6. Has to smell good
7. Has to be kinda girly
8. Has to have a sweet voice
9. Has to be soft spoken

thats all i can think of. i wish i could go to sleep.

hello again

okay so before i was upset. i've calmed down. i do have really bad cramps right now though. brb i'm gonna go take some midol. back! well i guess in my life right now i don't feel like i have a lot to look forward to. the things i DO look forward to are trumped by the things that stress me. here are some of the examples:

--i'm looking forward to having my breast reduction surgery BUT idk if the insurance company will cover it or not

--i'm looking forward to my birthday tomorrow BUT none of my friends will be there with me (minus rissa)

--i'm looking forward to actually relaxing this summer BUT i have to take this math class

--i'm not looking forward to the math class but... i'm not even sure i can get into the class

i took the damn midol, and i still can't even breathe!!

ingrate

right now i'm crying. and i can't stop. maybe its because i have my period. maybe its because i'm completely stressed out. maybe its because its my birthday tomorrow and i'm pretty certain its going to totally suck. i never get too excited for my birthday. it always turns out really bad. this year it will suck because none of my friends with the exception of clarissa will be home. i got into a fight with my mom today. everything thats been going wrong since i've left school is an indication that this summer isn't going to be as great as i thought it would be. the summer class i was supposed to be in is all full and i have to contact my school to see if i can take it somewhere else now. thats going to be a hassle now. today sucksss. this summer is going to suck. everything sucks. and im sad. and of course right now my mom is yelling at me for not being thankful..


fuck being thankful.